This will be my first post in English. More to follow. As the world is big, I felt the need to share some of my thoughts and the history behind my blog with my followers from abroad, and therefore some of my future posts will be published in English.
Patty, a beautiful, lovable creature from “Kruidroermenietje“, nominated me for the Bloggers Recognition Award. I feel really honored to be mentioned, so thank you very much Patty. I will cut my response to the nomination in two, as I never follow rules as they are indented.
Well… About my blog. Sorry, cannot be brief on this part. That is why I will share this post separately. I love writing, I always did. But life took me in another direction before I realised I was on the wrong path. Becoming a mother, in very difficult and even dangerous conditions like HELLP, combined with other severe complications, left me with an important question about life. Almost dying gives people lots of material to think about. You become a real philosopher. Looking at the end of your life, gives you a very rooted wisdom to take with you when you survive. About life, about love and about the paths you will be following in the future.
But, however, before I was able to put my new discovered wisdom into practice, life gave me other challenges to deal with first: my own mother deserted me, as I felt. She seemed not to be capable of taking care of my needs when I was sick with all those heavy pregnancy and birth complications, almost dying and, in the meantime, becoming a loving mother myself. Im my foggy exerience, that period, she did not quite understand my feelings and the disorder I was facing. Unfortunately she was not able to cope with my own vision of motherhood and neither I felt any understanding for me being so ailing and worrying about my own little newborn child. I felt left alone, abandoned by the one who should cherish me. I felt left alone with my son in our beds at the hospital.
I was a mother who felt deserted as a child and no matter what I did or did not, our relationship remained very fragile ever since. On top of that, my dear father, the one I felt who was really understanding my feelings, who was my guardian angel in life, who always showed me to trust my own heart, who was the absorbing bumper in the emotions between me and my mother, suddenly died of undiscovered lung cancer… A proliferating beast killing him in a couple of weeks time. Forcing and clubbing the big, strong, beautiful blossoming tree of my beloved father into a broken grey shadow of death, lying beaten at my childish feet. I simply could not understand…
So many difficult, rather ‘traumatic’ events and the world did not wait for me to heal. On the contrary: the world forced me to keep going. To run when I needed to rest, and to swim when I had no more persistence of even being able to float. Life was an ongoing thunderstorm and I barely could survive it. Life was becoming so difficult, so ‘unlivable’…
I could not combine my feelings after surviving the challenge of giving birth when my own body decided to give up living, with the challenge of the world telling me to ‘keep my head up and enjoying my child’ and ‘keep working hard and just deal with your absent mother’ and ‘fathers always die first my dear, that’s life’. So I went down…completely overtaken by forces that hit me, and that almost killed me, again.
But then loving and caring people came to me. Saved me. They helped me back on my feet again by showing me that I was important. That I was someone to be loved, to be cherished, to be taken care of. That it was ok to be broken. That is was ok to mourn. So thanks and all credits to my loving husband and son, to my loving mother in law, to my doctor and my therapist, to my boss, to the family S, to ‘a sister’ and to my closest friends and neighbours who kept on visiting me, listening to me and loving me. For not deserting me or turning their backs on me. But for staying with me, side by side. Thank you.
I realised the importance of being loved, of being looked after, cared, of being secure, of being heard and of being saved. Still not recovered, I will recover at some parts, but other parts, like my cardiovasculair system and parts of my brain seem really damaged and probably will be weak forever, I made my decision of starting a blog. Humble, on a simple Facebookpage. With quotes and short novels to tell others not to feel alone or deserted. To give hope to people when they feel so desolate. To tell them to listen to their hearts. To tell them all human beings have a right to be loved and not to be deserted. To tell them you always have the right of keeping distance to all who and all what will hurt or damage you. To tell earth is a small place to live and all creatures have a reason to be. To tell the ‘real world’, the universe, is so much bigger than what we can see and observe. I believe we simply need more love and modesty.
However, Facebook is ok for short and superficial messages, but those real stories deserve a more respectful platform. So after a couple of months, I started my free blog at WordPress.com. Low key, so giving up could be easily done in case of any disappointment or weakness from my side.
But…people loved my writings and I loved being read! So after two months, I started my own page. A very big risk for someone with such a low level of energy, but also the path I was following and what really was feeling as beeing my home. www.mooileven.org is my second child and I hope it gives anyone the opportunity to survive life. To survive bad events, to survive the pressure of society, to survive the needless opinions of others, to survive themselves. By teaching, by thinking and by sharing my thoughts and experiences with you all.
I love life. And I love to survive. And I love to love, sharing, carrying and caring this with you!
Thank you for reading my story.
Nothing but love, De Gans ♥
Click here for my next post, where I will go ahead with the challenge of accepting the Bloggers Recognition Award.
Picture in header by Alexandra von Gutthenbach-Lindau, Oslo, on Pixabay.
To keep the information at this site up to date, this article has been reviewed in february 2018.